Changes

have a post baptismal report with great news!! Since my acceptance of Jesus Christ the Lord has lifted my suicidal ideation!! I have carried that since my early 20's! It is hard to describe what a difference this has made!! Right now I am dealing with a worsening of my left side )already weakened by the stroke and I don't know why I am getting worse, but I trust that God has a reason for it and at some point I might know what that reason is. Or maybe I will never know and that's ok too. Iknow He has my best interests at heart.
Prior to this I would have seriously considered suicide, but know the only reason I think of it is the surprise that it doesnt occur to me!! This does not mean that I won't be happy when Jesus comes for me but I will wait for that to happen and enjoy life. God has been very good to me.

GOOD NEWS!!

I apologize for the bold but it seems to be stuck and I can't get it off. I am going to attempt to tell a simple storyI hope I succeed. Spent the summer in a nursing

home feeling desperate,alone . .and desolate. I prayed to the godess constantly(that being my form of religion at the time) and things just kept getting worse. The Drs and nurses were telling me me my left hand,which i couldn't Even keep on the table was as good as it was going g to get, I had no home' and mice were eating my hair gel from my head at night! Alice was my rock of strength during this time and continues to be. One day while I was crying because the good "christian" lady who had been caring for my cats had turned them into the animal shelter(which was keeping them at the cost of 90$ a night a nurse who I didn't know, asked me what was wrong. I told her my sad story and she immediately offered to keep them for me. With the help of my friend Nancy we rescued the cats and brought them to the nurses car. While I was tearfully thanking her she grabbed my shoulders and said: "these shoulders are no tbig enough to carry all that you have to carry. Turn it over to God and ask for his help" Now this is not the first time I've heard these words, but they were said with such loving conviction that IpromisedI would. And when I went to bed that night I did what I had promised. The very next day, I found out that I had gotten the apt. I had been waiting for over a week to hear about and within two weeks my cats and I were home. .It took backbreaking work on the part of my best friend Mel and Alice barely recovered from back surgery but I now have a home. While we were still moving Rev. Kathleen Kegle from the Denver Hospice came by to visit and jumped right in to help vacom up cat litter. Within two weeks I had my old hospice team,which included Kathleen, was back with me. Kathleen was part of,much to my joy!! It turned out that Kathleen was doing a bible syudy of John and i was invited to take part in. Which I gladly did having left the godess behind without quite knowing where I was going. I read the first chapter of John, which of course starts with "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God. Now this is not the first time I've read this-I remember reading it in How Green was my Valley when I was 12. This time was different and was the beginning of a lot of Q and A sessions and a lot of thought. My of my older friends and relatives know that I have traveled a long twisted spiritual path. which has included a few trips to Christianity and back out again. One night, while sitting on the thinking post I was debating with myself about Jesus and the Blood of the Lamb when a light went on and after years of Catholic school, and a visit to the Episcopal Church, I began to understand and to know,deep in heart mi and and . So I am coming out of the closet Soul, that He was the Way, the Truth and the Light. Now it just so happened that my my sister Kate was here the next time Kathleen came over so she heard me telling about this and ended up being a witness to my declaration of Faith. I was talking about the fact that I had never felt worthy of God's Love because I knew that the Temple of my body had been defiledby child molesters) before I made my First Communion. Katie said it was the biggest lie the devil ever told Me and she was right. I don't believe it anymore and I am in the process of arranging for Kathleen to baptize me. Yes, I was baptized as a child, but this time it will be as an adult with a full understanding of what I am doing and everything it means. I spend time every day working on my relationship with God and it is bringing me great joy and peaceof mind. So I am coming "out" of the closet and declaring to everyone who reads this that I am a Christian and a Beleiver

ChangesIt's been a long time since I've written-partly because of my stroke-writing one handed is a pain and it's taken me a while to process everything that happened in the aftermath.In spite of my mrdical experience I knew very little about the mental confusion that a stroke causes and because the original prognosis was grim some decisions were made(correctly based on what was known at the time) that led to me coming back to a full awareness of myself and the fact that I was homeless while my best friend Mel was struggling to get my belongings packed and into storage. This job was not made easier by my inability to stick to one decision and my constant changing my mind. It is a testament to Mel's love for me that she was doing this after working a high stress job every day. I thank God every day for her and all the Hard work she did. The fact that my confusion led to a disagreement with my family left her to do it alone.All that led to the moment where I was sitting on a metal chair in the broiling sun smoking a ciggarette and realizing that I was homeless. It was The most desolate feeling I have ever had. Docters and nurses were telling me I would not recover and were ready to leave me to die in a rodent infested nursing home . My mother always said the best way to get me to do something was to tell me I couldn't and once again she was proved rightand the day the dr. told me I was as well as iIwas going to getand That night I plugged in my cell phone by myself. It is a tricky connection and took almost an hour but I did it and took my first real step towaard recovery. With Alice calling every day with encouragement and love and visits by friends "I made it through my suicidal depression. A dear old friend gave me a ton of help in looking for a place to live and I found my apartmentwhere I am now.

I'm so glad I have passed the stage where I embarrass easily! While I can do far more with my affected hand than anyone expected there are still times I need help. I bought a pack of tortillas in a zip lock bag and could NT get the damm thing opened!! I was so frustrated I started knocking on neighbors doors to ask for help and a 10 year old came to my rescue.I think he thought I was crazy.

,but he got the bag open! Then last night I tried to open a box of cream cheese-it totally defeated me and is now back in the box in a disgraceful condition! my pharmacy continues to send my pills in child proof bottles and I have resorted to sawing them open with a serrated knife because you can't break them open with a hammer. Iknow because I tried! And yes I have requested non=child proof bottles. I wasn't surprized when I couldn"t. I di elight in finding ways to do things one handed like stepping into my bra and pulling it up from the bottem-it is funny looking but it works. scotch tape is my best friend when i need to hands for some things and I use my left elbow to hold things down. It works well for some things. At least I can laugh at myself and thats good. Any suggestions gratefully accepted!!

Recently I've been having a hard time finding things to be joyful about and I couldn't figure out why. I anally figured out why! I don't have anything that makes me laugh except Bill Mahr and the season is over. I need to find more things to laugh about. Netflix is going to be a big help. I've otdered Eddie Izzard(British transvestite and very funny and Ron White (Blue Collar Comedy tour"
and the funniest of a funny bunch!!I know these will make me laugh and that will help! A good laugh is as necessary as a good cry and Ive had plenty of those. I'm trying to find more Things in my daily life to laugh at-like the fact that I was on facebook at 2am to get things out of the oven on Yoville!! How stupid is that??I'm not recommending that for anybody and I have to admit I most likly won't repeat it but to quote Ron White You can't fix stupid! So, anybody know any good jokes?

Many of my family and friends know that I've been a hospice patient since my birthday last year. I"m a home care patient now which means my adorable.loving team comes 3 times a week. my aide TIna comrs three times a week.
,and does whatever needs doin from helping me shower to vacuming and taking out the trash. She is cheerful, energetic, loving and kind as is everyone associated with Hospice. My nurse Darcie fills up my pill box so Itake the right thing at the right time and checks me out every week. Because of having a year Long record of my blood pressure Which was always normal to low the Dr. feels my stroke was due to the small arteries in the back of my heart that are too small to be stented.zMy social worker Meg comes every week to listen to my woes and navigate the confusing world of medicare and on top of that she went out into the miserable,col wet weather yesterday to buy me coffee so I would have some this a.m! Above and beyond the call of ddity. If any of you have a friend or relative who is chronically and terminally ill(I qualify due to my heart condition and COPD)look into your local hospice for help and if you want to support a cause Hospice of MetroDdenver is a great one. The newest thing they are doing for me is looking for a volunteer to visit me to relieve my isolation!! ??"They are putting together a cookbook for sale and I will let you know when it comes out










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Well, I guess I'm about as moved in as I'm going to be for while. Nothing is hung on the walls-can't do that one handed! The left hand is better, but the knuckles are stiff and swollen-which seems to be permanant. I still can't make a fist. I miss my masks and my paintings but my truly wonderful aide Tina will help me next week! It's a quiet life and since reading has been so difficult since the stroke I mostly watch t.v. I watch the ducks and geese on the lake a lot and,Thank God Ihave my cats to pet! I don't think as much about dying as much as I use to-the stroke showed me that the time will come weather :I think about it or not, so I work more at findingpeace and love in my heart so that when the time does come I will be ready. I work at forgiveness a lot-not as sucessful at that as I would like but better than I was. There are many Things I have said were unforgiveable during my life that I have changed my mind about and I remember how my Mom was still bitter about things that happened years before. Id on't want that for myself. My goal is to die with a peacwful loving heart no matter what the circumstances.
So for all ofyou who are reading this if something unexpected happens Please know that I am leaving wiyh love.