Well I'm 64 today and that's amazing-considering that last year we guess God is not done with me yet. I'm not sure what he has in mind for me but I'm curious about itSince this is most likly the last year I can live on my own I intend to enjoy it as much as possible.I'm happy to say that I still enjoy my own company and my new apt is starting to feel more like home. I have my cats,loving family and the greateatest friends in the world. I
also have my hospice team back and yhey ae loving and supportive. So all in all life is good and I am looking forward to a good year! I' still looking forward to seeing what joy I can find!

strokes and dying

Ever since I had the stroke I've discovered a new fear.I'm still not afraid to die-which is useless as we are all going to do it and Ihave no fear about where I"m going.The thought of another stroke terrifies me. I saw a lot of people in the nursing home who were alive but totally trapped in thier bodies ,not able to move or speak-living death. That is why I had a DNR on my fridge. It's my way of protecting nyself from living death. Since I still have TIA'S or little strokes and the window for the clot buster is an hour and Ilive alone my odds of being found in time are slim,so if it happens again I will most likely die alone on the floor of my home. Thi is not aleasant thought' but in the long run I"ve decided it won't make a difference. I'll still be going to the same place wher ther is no pain or fear. So if that ishat happens 'm o.k. with it Ijust pray that I go all the way.meanwhile I'm living at home with my cats and my view and my hospice team and friends and working to squeeze every bit of happiness and joy that I can from my life!

If you havn;t heard by now I had a stroke in July, Luckily.only my left side was affected and I am learning to live with thstonly, my hand still gives me problems. My bras are all step-ins and zippers and buttons are out of the question as are child proof pill bottles. It was a harrowinharrowingexperience. At first I was told I would never live alone again, but after 2 nursing home experiences I am back at home with my cats and my hospice teamYay!!! The worst of it was the docs qho said I would never use the arm or hand again. I am one of those people who take statements lsay "watch me!ike that and say watch me. I can't do everything I could before but I can do enough to live on my own ewith help!The worst of it was the nental confusion which Ididn't expect or evan know I was experiencing and made life difficult for everyone around me. That and the mice in my hair at the nursing home but I made it and I am looking full time for Joy again I had to move and mynew place is smaller, but I have a lake wiyh fountains and ducks and geese and I love that.I also learned who my true friends are and I am so grateful to them all

i

How do cats know the instant you awake?

Ah! Sunday morning and I start to awaken feeling really rested and comfortable. The switch to morphine from oxycontin is going well and my sleep is much better. Before I even open my eyes the cats start meowing and climbing on me! I swear I didn't move a muscle! When I do open my eyes there are 2 pairs of eyes staring at me! It's a little disconcerting but, I must admit it's also progress of a sort-they seem to have finally gotten the message that waking me means No treats! For a while I was waking up to Pax trying to pull the covers off me! They drive me bananas sometimes, but when things are not going so well they are really a comfort to me. I worry a lot about what will happen to them when I have gone. They have been together since they were kittens and are declawed house cats. Perfect gentleman by the way-not one accident. they are also well enough trained not to do the things like climb on the counters in front of me but the trails of black hair track show what they do when I'm not looking. Anyone who thinks they have trained a cat not to do something and really believe that the cat won;t do it when left alone are fooling themselves.
It's interesting that I have cats at all! When the kids were growing up we had several-but they weren't allowed in my room especially at night! Furry things moving around me when I was sleeping would freak me out! I tracked it back to a memory of being molested in a closet full of fur coats as a child and was able,with lots of therapy and medications to get past those feelings. So now I sleep with two of them!
As I said earlier the Dr has switched me to morphine-45mg twice a day. The first night I was ON IT I passed out twice when I got up so I've learned to move more slowly when I stand and to keep my cane handy. The one thing about the morphine is that it helps to relieve the constant anxiety of not being able to breathe properly. That's called air hunger and it's terrible. I think it must be rather like what water boarding feels like-You know-that stuff that !&*$#Bush said wasn't torture! That was a terrible day! I was so ashamed to be an American. It's strange that in the midst of working toward a loving, peaceful death by learning about forgiveness and letting go of anger just the mention of his name makes my blood pressure rise. As time goes on and different things get less important I've stopped doing some things that I've always done-like watch the news or read the paper everyday. With Obama in office I feel like I can let go of things. I know he's not perfect, and that at some point he will fuck up badly,but he has integrity and a sense of responsibility and that has been missing in politics for a long time. Enough of politics
Some really good things are coming back to me. My all-time favorite job was as a psych tech working with adolescents in a behaviour mod program. And I was good at it-mostly because I seemed to have this instinctive sense of what was happening or was needed. Most of the time I was able to let go of my ego enough to let that work thru me-and it was absolutely the BEST high-because I was letting my strongest and best side out. When I moved out of working in mental health I sort of lost touch with that instinctive, intuitive part of myself. It's coming back to me ans it is So welcome. It's amazing what anger and fear have taken from me and the more I let go of them, the better I feel. I have so much room for joy now! So while dying sucks, and physical problems seem to multiply I am at peace. I hope that you are too.

the dr cont

who might remember me. I love the dr and I trust her, but its strange to have a Dr who treats the condition. Don't get me wrong-if i wanted to get investigated for all the little crap that goes on with me she would help. But there is no sense investigating something I'll likely refuse to have treated! For those of you who are not aware of the whole history of this I am trying to import the story of how all this began . The problem is that I use a computer for 2 things-writing e-mails and playing games. Anything outside of that and I'm lost and most likely so is my data. For those of you who care to comment there is a little envelope at the bottom of each posting. Just click on that. I am all over the p;ace this am. Sorry to be so disorganized, but the
reason for for that is I am just waking from a 36 hour nap. That happens once or twice a week. I will suddenly feel exhausted and HAVE to go to sleep. I'll Wake up for the bathroom or a smoke, seldom for food and water. When I do wake up for that I'll fall back asleep within 5 minutes-and it is deep dreamless sleep. Most of my friends have keys and can come and go without me stirring. Some people I know think that being dead is rather like this. I don't see death that way but if they are right it's not so bad. I've been doing a lot of grieving this week-tears and all mostly because I'm leaving so many people that I love and partly because life will go on without me being a part of it. It gets very confusing