strokes and dying

Ever since I had the stroke I've discovered a new fear.I'm still not afraid to die-which is useless as we are all going to do it and Ihave no fear about where I"m going.The thought of another stroke terrifies me. I saw a lot of people in the nursing home who were alive but totally trapped in thier bodies ,not able to move or speak-living death. That is why I had a DNR on my fridge. It's my way of protecting nyself from living death. Since I still have TIA'S or little strokes and the window for the clot buster is an hour and Ilive alone my odds of being found in time are slim,so if it happens again I will most likely die alone on the floor of my home. Thi is not aleasant thought' but in the long run I"ve decided it won't make a difference. I'll still be going to the same place wher ther is no pain or fear. So if that ishat happens 'm o.k. with it Ijust pray that I go all the way.meanwhile I'm living at home with my cats and my view and my hospice team and friends and working to squeeze every bit of happiness and joy that I can from my life!

If you havn;t heard by now I had a stroke in July, Luckily.only my left side was affected and I am learning to live with thstonly, my hand still gives me problems. My bras are all step-ins and zippers and buttons are out of the question as are child proof pill bottles. It was a harrowinharrowingexperience. At first I was told I would never live alone again, but after 2 nursing home experiences I am back at home with my cats and my hospice teamYay!!! The worst of it was the docs qho said I would never use the arm or hand again. I am one of those people who take statements lsay "watch me!ike that and say watch me. I can't do everything I could before but I can do enough to live on my own ewith help!The worst of it was the nental confusion which Ididn't expect or evan know I was experiencing and made life difficult for everyone around me. That and the mice in my hair at the nursing home but I made it and I am looking full time for Joy again I had to move and mynew place is smaller, but I have a lake wiyh fountains and ducks and geese and I love that.I also learned who my true friends are and I am so grateful to them all

i