I'm so glad I have passed the stage where I embarrass easily! While I can do far more with my affected hand than anyone expected there are still times I need help. I bought a pack of tortillas in a zip lock bag and could NT get the damm thing opened!! I was so frustrated I started knocking on neighbors doors to ask for help and a 10 year old came to my rescue.I think he thought I was crazy.

,but he got the bag open! Then last night I tried to open a box of cream cheese-it totally defeated me and is now back in the box in a disgraceful condition! my pharmacy continues to send my pills in child proof bottles and I have resorted to sawing them open with a serrated knife because you can't break them open with a hammer. Iknow because I tried! And yes I have requested non=child proof bottles. I wasn't surprized when I couldn"t. I di elight in finding ways to do things one handed like stepping into my bra and pulling it up from the bottem-it is funny looking but it works. scotch tape is my best friend when i need to hands for some things and I use my left elbow to hold things down. It works well for some things. At least I can laugh at myself and thats good. Any suggestions gratefully accepted!!

Recently I've been having a hard time finding things to be joyful about and I couldn't figure out why. I anally figured out why! I don't have anything that makes me laugh except Bill Mahr and the season is over. I need to find more things to laugh about. Netflix is going to be a big help. I've otdered Eddie Izzard(British transvestite and very funny and Ron White (Blue Collar Comedy tour"
and the funniest of a funny bunch!!I know these will make me laugh and that will help! A good laugh is as necessary as a good cry and Ive had plenty of those. I'm trying to find more Things in my daily life to laugh at-like the fact that I was on facebook at 2am to get things out of the oven on Yoville!! How stupid is that??I'm not recommending that for anybody and I have to admit I most likly won't repeat it but to quote Ron White You can't fix stupid! So, anybody know any good jokes?

Many of my family and friends know that I've been a hospice patient since my birthday last year. I"m a home care patient now which means my adorable.loving team comes 3 times a week. my aide TIna comrs three times a week.
,and does whatever needs doin from helping me shower to vacuming and taking out the trash. She is cheerful, energetic, loving and kind as is everyone associated with Hospice. My nurse Darcie fills up my pill box so Itake the right thing at the right time and checks me out every week. Because of having a year Long record of my blood pressure Which was always normal to low the Dr. feels my stroke was due to the small arteries in the back of my heart that are too small to be stented.zMy social worker Meg comes every week to listen to my woes and navigate the confusing world of medicare and on top of that she went out into the miserable,col wet weather yesterday to buy me coffee so I would have some this a.m! Above and beyond the call of ddity. If any of you have a friend or relative who is chronically and terminally ill(I qualify due to my heart condition and COPD)look into your local hospice for help and if you want to support a cause Hospice of MetroDdenver is a great one. The newest thing they are doing for me is looking for a volunteer to visit me to relieve my isolation!! ??"They are putting together a cookbook for sale and I will let you know when it comes out










[0

Well, I guess I'm about as moved in as I'm going to be for while. Nothing is hung on the walls-can't do that one handed! The left hand is better, but the knuckles are stiff and swollen-which seems to be permanant. I still can't make a fist. I miss my masks and my paintings but my truly wonderful aide Tina will help me next week! It's a quiet life and since reading has been so difficult since the stroke I mostly watch t.v. I watch the ducks and geese on the lake a lot and,Thank God Ihave my cats to pet! I don't think as much about dying as much as I use to-the stroke showed me that the time will come weather :I think about it or not, so I work more at findingpeace and love in my heart so that when the time does come I will be ready. I work at forgiveness a lot-not as sucessful at that as I would like but better than I was. There are many Things I have said were unforgiveable during my life that I have changed my mind about and I remember how my Mom was still bitter about things that happened years before. Id on't want that for myself. My goal is to die with a peacwful loving heart no matter what the circumstances.
So for all ofyou who are reading this if something unexpected happens Please know that I am leaving wiyh love.

Well I'm 64 today and that's amazing-considering that last year we guess God is not done with me yet. I'm not sure what he has in mind for me but I'm curious about itSince this is most likly the last year I can live on my own I intend to enjoy it as much as possible.I'm happy to say that I still enjoy my own company and my new apt is starting to feel more like home. I have my cats,loving family and the greateatest friends in the world. I
also have my hospice team back and yhey ae loving and supportive. So all in all life is good and I am looking forward to a good year! I' still looking forward to seeing what joy I can find!

strokes and dying

Ever since I had the stroke I've discovered a new fear.I'm still not afraid to die-which is useless as we are all going to do it and Ihave no fear about where I"m going.The thought of another stroke terrifies me. I saw a lot of people in the nursing home who were alive but totally trapped in thier bodies ,not able to move or speak-living death. That is why I had a DNR on my fridge. It's my way of protecting nyself from living death. Since I still have TIA'S or little strokes and the window for the clot buster is an hour and Ilive alone my odds of being found in time are slim,so if it happens again I will most likely die alone on the floor of my home. Thi is not aleasant thought' but in the long run I"ve decided it won't make a difference. I'll still be going to the same place wher ther is no pain or fear. So if that ishat happens 'm o.k. with it Ijust pray that I go all the way.meanwhile I'm living at home with my cats and my view and my hospice team and friends and working to squeeze every bit of happiness and joy that I can from my life!

If you havn;t heard by now I had a stroke in July, Luckily.only my left side was affected and I am learning to live with thstonly, my hand still gives me problems. My bras are all step-ins and zippers and buttons are out of the question as are child proof pill bottles. It was a harrowinharrowingexperience. At first I was told I would never live alone again, but after 2 nursing home experiences I am back at home with my cats and my hospice teamYay!!! The worst of it was the docs qho said I would never use the arm or hand again. I am one of those people who take statements lsay "watch me!ike that and say watch me. I can't do everything I could before but I can do enough to live on my own ewith help!The worst of it was the nental confusion which Ididn't expect or evan know I was experiencing and made life difficult for everyone around me. That and the mice in my hair at the nursing home but I made it and I am looking full time for Joy again I had to move and mynew place is smaller, but I have a lake wiyh fountains and ducks and geese and I love that.I also learned who my true friends are and I am so grateful to them all

i

How do cats know the instant you awake?

Ah! Sunday morning and I start to awaken feeling really rested and comfortable. The switch to morphine from oxycontin is going well and my sleep is much better. Before I even open my eyes the cats start meowing and climbing on me! I swear I didn't move a muscle! When I do open my eyes there are 2 pairs of eyes staring at me! It's a little disconcerting but, I must admit it's also progress of a sort-they seem to have finally gotten the message that waking me means No treats! For a while I was waking up to Pax trying to pull the covers off me! They drive me bananas sometimes, but when things are not going so well they are really a comfort to me. I worry a lot about what will happen to them when I have gone. They have been together since they were kittens and are declawed house cats. Perfect gentleman by the way-not one accident. they are also well enough trained not to do the things like climb on the counters in front of me but the trails of black hair track show what they do when I'm not looking. Anyone who thinks they have trained a cat not to do something and really believe that the cat won;t do it when left alone are fooling themselves.
It's interesting that I have cats at all! When the kids were growing up we had several-but they weren't allowed in my room especially at night! Furry things moving around me when I was sleeping would freak me out! I tracked it back to a memory of being molested in a closet full of fur coats as a child and was able,with lots of therapy and medications to get past those feelings. So now I sleep with two of them!
As I said earlier the Dr has switched me to morphine-45mg twice a day. The first night I was ON IT I passed out twice when I got up so I've learned to move more slowly when I stand and to keep my cane handy. The one thing about the morphine is that it helps to relieve the constant anxiety of not being able to breathe properly. That's called air hunger and it's terrible. I think it must be rather like what water boarding feels like-You know-that stuff that !&*$#Bush said wasn't torture! That was a terrible day! I was so ashamed to be an American. It's strange that in the midst of working toward a loving, peaceful death by learning about forgiveness and letting go of anger just the mention of his name makes my blood pressure rise. As time goes on and different things get less important I've stopped doing some things that I've always done-like watch the news or read the paper everyday. With Obama in office I feel like I can let go of things. I know he's not perfect, and that at some point he will fuck up badly,but he has integrity and a sense of responsibility and that has been missing in politics for a long time. Enough of politics
Some really good things are coming back to me. My all-time favorite job was as a psych tech working with adolescents in a behaviour mod program. And I was good at it-mostly because I seemed to have this instinctive sense of what was happening or was needed. Most of the time I was able to let go of my ego enough to let that work thru me-and it was absolutely the BEST high-because I was letting my strongest and best side out. When I moved out of working in mental health I sort of lost touch with that instinctive, intuitive part of myself. It's coming back to me ans it is So welcome. It's amazing what anger and fear have taken from me and the more I let go of them, the better I feel. I have so much room for joy now! So while dying sucks, and physical problems seem to multiply I am at peace. I hope that you are too.

the dr cont

who might remember me. I love the dr and I trust her, but its strange to have a Dr who treats the condition. Don't get me wrong-if i wanted to get investigated for all the little crap that goes on with me she would help. But there is no sense investigating something I'll likely refuse to have treated! For those of you who are not aware of the whole history of this I am trying to import the story of how all this began . The problem is that I use a computer for 2 things-writing e-mails and playing games. Anything outside of that and I'm lost and most likely so is my data. For those of you who care to comment there is a little envelope at the bottom of each posting. Just click on that. I am all over the p;ace this am. Sorry to be so disorganized, but the
reason for for that is I am just waking from a 36 hour nap. That happens once or twice a week. I will suddenly feel exhausted and HAVE to go to sleep. I'll Wake up for the bathroom or a smoke, seldom for food and water. When I do wake up for that I'll fall back asleep within 5 minutes-and it is deep dreamless sleep. Most of my friends have keys and can come and go without me stirring. Some people I know think that being dead is rather like this. I don't see death that way but if they are right it's not so bad. I've been doing a lot of grieving this week-tears and all mostly because I'm leaving so many people that I love and partly because life will go on without me being a part of it. It gets very confusing

The Doctor

My Dr came to see me today-there is something very reassuring about a Dr. who hugs you-it just helps. She caught me on a bad day-I've noticed a few little things changing lately-nothing major-I get tired more easily;sometimes i sleep for a few days at a time. Its not sound asleep;its moreof a dazed dose where I fall deeply asleep and then only have the energy to sort of listen to the tv until I go to bed and then I'll sleep for 10 hours. More often than not I'll get up in the am and lay down and repeat the process. This is almost gaurenteed if I go out, but it happens even when i stay at home too. Talking to the Dr. about this today I realized that its part of the dying process and it makes me very sad. I'm not affraid to die-or to live. Its just sad thinking of all the people I love and then leaving them. Alan is the only grandchild

I'm Bored!

I live alone,except for 2 black cats and the caretaqkers that come in. I can't work. I've sold my car because I can't drive it anymore-baad reflexes and 120 mg of oxycontin a day=give away the keys before I hurt myself or someone else. My neighbors and aides shop for me-mostly yogurt,soft crusted bread (very important with no teeth) and fresh fruit. I am still able to go outbut by the time I get the 02 tank filled and the right tubing and then the walker because I can't carry th o2 tank then get myself out to the car and get it loaded and I'm exhausted!! So I don't get out much-I have to really want something and then it has to be a good breathing day. I spend most of my time alone, watching daytime tv and thinking. Some days when things are bad I try to sleep as much as possible. But evan then I'm faced with my thoughts-many triggered by the t.v. I have watched giving babies change from being alone in a labor room numb from the breast down and the baby in an isolette where I could see but not touch-to the present where mothers and fathers are there together and holding the child from the moment of birth!! That is huge in terms of bonding with a child and of course, with modifications, a return to the times before Dr's and hospitals took over so much of it. And of cdourse there is the general change in the way we deal with dr.'s-thaqnkfully! I think the insistance that they pay attwntion to what patients have to say is an important-I won't keep a doc who doesnt listen to me. See what I mean about being bored?

My aide Tina took the holiday off, so I had a sub. I dont know where they find these people but this one was as cute and sweet as she could be. There's a joyful moment-someone special in my house first thing!

Intro

For those of you who don"t know me, I am a 63 year old woman in the process of dying from copd. I have smoked for over 50 years and have no intention of quitting. Yes, I do know that this is not the smart reasonable thing to do, but I like to smoke, never could drink and am now at the stage where movement is difficult at the best of times-smoking is my hobby. I'm not looking for pity. All of my ills are caused by my behaviour.

I love being 63! I like getting older. I'm much smarter than I used to be, and my reactions are slower,but clearer.

I'm starting this blog because people don't like to talk about death and dying. It's whats happening to me now, and because I'm limited physically it has center stage for me. So far, though there have been a few bad times, it's mostly pretty good. Last Aug I decided to look every day for something that brought me Joy. It didn't have to be anything big, just any little thing that helped me feel better-like clean,soft high thread count sheets. And despite what happened over the next 3 months(a bout of chf,broken femur,and a bowel obstruction-to say nothing of the usual family crap) I continued to do it. In many ways it turned my life around. The bout of congestive heart failure led to my being interviewed by kaiser palliative care team, which meant a visiting nurse,someone to call when things were not going well. And when I had the bowel obstruction and after some struggles led me to hospice care. So now I have Tina who comes 3 times a week to help however she can. Tina is fun-we almost always laugh, loves to do things with my hair and nails and she vacuums more often than I ever did when I was healthy. My nurse Darci has been showing up once a week since I started palliative care-she orders all my medications and sets them up for me-which is good because there are a lot of them, mostly for pain and they all seem to be the same color. She always checks me over and makes sure I'm ok. I also have a social worker who comes every week to help me check my thoughts and emotions.Meg throws in the little things like clipping the cats claws, or bringing me library books. When I need a Dr,Lisa comes to see me-and wants a hug as soon as she gets into the apt. I am surrounded by angels-not only through hospice, but with my family and friends too. Those of you who know me personally know that my young life was difficult and painful. My life now is the antithesis of my childhood and for the most part I feel more loved and cared for than I ever did before. I am not afraid of dying-it is, after all, a part of the life cycle-I've been the mother and the maiden. The time has come for me to be the crone-and you might see references to me as the toothless crone-the reasons for that are,unfortunately obvious. They cant fix my teeth without doing major surgery which I refuse to have-even if they would be willing to do the surgery because of my heart and lung problems. I do have lots of time to think and that is what this blog is about-my thoughts and feelings as I try to live the rest of my time being as open and joyful as I can